I had occasion to think about how much we get away with in life if we just say the right words. The *exact* right words.
Having dinner out recently was pleasant and my food was good. But not everyone at the table enjoyed the meal. Fortunately for the restaurant, and perhaps deliberately, the manager came by and asked, “Was everything prepared correctly?” We answered yes rather quickly. But I thought it was an unusual question; most of the time it’s, “How is everything?” Had she asked that standard question, it would have been an entirely different conversation that might have ended with a comped meal or at least a free dessert. Nothing wrong with what she did, but I couldn’t help thinking how people can expertly tiptoe around the truth sometimes. George Orwell called it lies of omission. Will Farrell—mocking President George W.—called it “strategery.”
Consider this response, which should need no explanation… “No, those pants don’t make you look fat”—the “but your big butt does” is silent. In the out-loud response, no one’s feelings are hurt and no one is sleeping in the doghouse.
Another former President oh-so-famously got away with it when he said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” How glad is he today that there was no Twitter-verse when he tried to convince everyone what happened with his intern didn’t constitute cheating on Hillary. Brings to mind that not-awkward-at-all conversation we have in relationships when one person says, “So… what do *you* consider cheating?”
Incidentally, the answer to that question is, “If you wouldn’t do it in front of me, you’re cheating.”
Even Opie got away with it on Andy Griffith. Andy’s girlfriend called and asked Aunt Bea to tell Andy where to pick her up. Andy later asked Opie, “Did Peggy call?” Opie (who didn’t like Peggy) replied, “I didn’t talk to her Pa.” He’s only 6 and he knows how to use strategery.
This manipulation may be no more critical than in a courtroom. If I am ever on a jury, I am going to pay close attention to what the defendant says. If he says, “Your honor, I’m sorry for what I did; I know it was wrong.” I may believe him. If he says, “Your honor, I’m sorry for what I did; I know I broke the law,” I’m voting for the max. ‘Wrong’ vs. ‘against the law’ are two very different things. In my mind, he was just sorry he got caught. But it would help his getting out of prison before he’s using a walker if he could make me believe he *now* believes his crime was not just wrong, but stupendously inexcusable.
I’m not really complaining about people avoiding a harsh truth or an unkind word. Everyone from my 9-year-old to a Presidential candidate has reasons to be cleverly rhetorical from time to time, but I don’t want to miss out on the truth because it was excluded. Just reminding myself that it sometimes pays to not just listen, but to hear.