In the B-list of life’s pleasures, there are few things I enjoy more than an Upgrade. The thrill of acquiring something new or better is directly proportional to the aggravation and desire I arrived at to blow up, smash, or throw the old [thing] out the window because what once was awesome now stinks, or I previously had no idea how good life could be with the new [thing].
Like when we got our first ice-making refrigerator and no longer had to perform that agonizing and exhausting chore of filling trays with water. What could be worse?
Of course technology conspires to force me to do this. When I got my driver’s license so many years ago—who could ask for more? Little did I think that someday I would be frustrated and covetous that my car only had multiple DVD players but no wi-fi. But it’s out there, and now I want it. Mostly because my kid is on his 4th hand-me-down iPad and is mad his current one doesn’t have cellular. Pathetic, I know. Especially since my idea of technology at his age was this >>>
Still, there was nothing better than trading in my moldy old Pathfinder for a shiny new Sequoia that actually propelled me forward when I touched the gas and even told me where to turn. Or how nice was it when you switched from a flip to a smart phone and no longer had to dial 8-44-22-66-55-7777 to text “thanks”? Did you ever want to fly coach again after that time you got bumped to first class?
And don’t even get me started on how much more I am enjoying my second marriage.
Anyway, it’s the worst in the computer industry. Moore’s Law says computing power doubles every two years; Microsoft and Apple take that seriously.
Naturally I need the upgraded operating system to run new versions of my apps so I will be compatible with co-workers, which slows down my processor, so I need a new computer, so I can use updated apps, which slows my processor, and so on.
A few months ago I installed El Capitan OS on my 7-year old Mac. Everything broke immediately. My Favorites disappeared randomly, app windows defaulted to postage stamp size on every click. Then I updated Adobe Creative Suite (that little thing I use to make. a. living.) and those files were downloaded with a generous supply of molasses and apathy. Click….wait….click…play game on phone… click…open…wait. Apple admitted the OS had a ton of bugs, but the answer was basically, “We’re sorry. Wait for the… (wait for it) UPDATE to the update—coming soon—suckers! Aaahahahahahahaha!”
So I sucked it up, realized I would be happy to pay twice the cost of a new computer simply to save my sanity. After checking my bank balance (hahahaha), I resolved to add six more months to my VISA payoff.
And then, it arrived. First of all, you know how weirdly satisfying it is to pull that clear protective plastic thing off of faceplates and other gadgets? Imagine a gadget 30”x24” with plastic all over. Dreamy.
The new Mac is half the depth and weight, and twice the power—clickBOOM-click-KAPOW! and the screen resolution makes me feel like my eyesight is 20/20 again. I fully expect it to fly around the room when I turn it on, so magically fast and fleet of foot it is.
Maybe I overreact. But I do spend most of my life in front of my computer, so the last few weeks have been agonizing and I just wish everything in life could be fixed so simply, if not a little more cheaply.
Now if I could just get a big raise so I can order the new self-driving Lexus with a wi-fi antenna and refrigerated console, then I’ll really be happy. At least until the new Buick comes out with massaging seats, or maybe I’ll look at the new kids’ bed with the sleep app and monster detector (a totally real thing by the way). Who knew you could upgrade a bed? Ahhh, it goes on…