Y es, Poppy is an old lady but she believes, perhaps, many might agree that over the last two decades or so, democracy has proven to be harder than tequila.
Well, folks, we’re on the cusp of surviving another election season — hopefully. And just like after any wild party, we’ll wake up this month with an election hangover. But instead of regretting that fourth margarita, we’re more likely to be regretting Twitter fights, watching too many debates, and the lawn signs that are still somehow stuck in the yard. However, unlike a morning after too much partying, many of us will be pleased to have this hangover because it will mean the day everyone’s been prognosticating, postulating, and/or panicking about for the past two years… or four, depending on which side you’re on, is finally a historical fact and we can get back to everyday life, for better or worse.
Of course that won’t really happen without us first becoming armchair political analysts. We feel compelled to diagnose what went right or wrong in our candidates’ races with all the grace and subtlety of a living room after the dog dropped something the Roomba wasn’t programmed to clean. Your social media feed is still awash with your cousin’s “expert” take on how his write-in vote for Batman was the *real* stand for democracy. Meanwhile, everyone else is posting fact-checks like it’s their full-time job and sharing alternative media coverage like it was posted on stone tablets.
Suddenly, your neighbor — who couldn’t tell you the difference between the Electoral College and educational daycare — is now the unofficial spokesperson for the Constitution. And, bless her heart, she’s using memes she found on Instagram to explain it.
I, for one, will be supremely happy not to receive endless texts from candidates begging for my last dollar. Aside from the all-day interruptions, it’s just plain insulting to have a random party member on the other side of the country explain — as if I hadn’t already heard it hundreds of times from the TV pundits — how my $5 donation is the only thing keeping the nation from certain ruin and despair. Naturally, I type STOP=END, which results in the same bot asking again in 20 minutes, from another phone number that is one digit different from the last one.
I don’t have the heart to tell any of them that, as a solid hundred-aire, I never had any intention of sending a nickel of my hard earned fortune outside the borders of Texas. The one thing Poppy has faith in, even in certain ruin and despair, is that Texas will be okay either way and Im’ma just stay here.
I will, however, continue to enjoy the websites that provide some version of independent reporting so I absolutely won’t miss the need to watch any major news programs. News networks always insist they’re balanced, but somehow the “neutral” panel discussion consists of one voice of reason sandwiched between a former campaign manager and an activist whose Twitter bio includes pronouns and reads, “Resisting since kindergarten.” It’s not really journalism — it’s a gladiator match, and the winner gets to interrupt the most.
On Election Night, I do love how quickly the “we knew the whole time it would turn out like this” comes out after the first two or three states report their tallies. This is shortly followed by anchors confidently tapping giant maps like they are picking appetizers on an Uber Eats app. Watching them fill the hours by analyzing exit polls is like listening to weather forecasters try to predict snow in Texas — enthusiastic, but mostly wrong. And, really, their whole job at that point is to keep us from going to bed by telling us our candidate has either crushed it beyond historical precedent or was last seen heading back into the basement of his or her mansion.
But hey, this is democracy, folks — it’s messy and it’s loud. I will simply look forward to the time, in a few weeks — when the protests over the lawsuits for the recount of the recount are no longer the lead story, and keyboard warriors are rage farming about other things — the pursuit of normal life will have resumed in earnest. Sadly, it will also be an important time for journalists because now they can hit us with the worst possible news: “Stay tuned for early projections on the 2026 midterms!”
At that point the only logical response is, “Just pass the turkey — at least it’s the holiday season.”